One Valentine’s Day in a faraway place called the 7th Grade, I learned a few important lessons about providing feedback.
My classmates and I gave Valentine’s Day cards out in class every year. We had nuns in school and they were very keen on preparing us for life’s challenges. So despite all the rules they enforced on a daily basis, they did not require us to give everyone in our class a Valentine’s Day card. As a result, we came away from this annual activity with some good data regarding where we stood with our fellow students.
That year when I reviewed my collection of card, I noticed that Douglas S. had given me a card again. In fact, he had been giving me cards on a consistent basis since the first grade. I was thrilled with this insight.
However, did I just smile and leave well enough alone? No, of course not. What is the good of having an insight if you cannot share it?
And so, I did. I shared this fact with Douglas aloud with others within earshot.
I remember his expression. He appeared surprised and startled.
He said “oh.”
That was the last card I ever got from him.
Here is what I learned.
1. Feedback Goal — Define it and be honest! I wasn’t interested in commending Douglas for maintaining a consistent holiday card distribution process. I wanted to get him to admit that he liked me.
2. Setting — Select the place you provide feedback thoughtfully. Standing in front of Douglas’s desk where he was trapped with no place to go was not my best tactic.
3. Saving Face Matters — While I did not speak loudly, I was not inaudible either. Two other boys heard me. Nothing changes a seventh grader’s feelings like being put on the spot in front of one’s peers.
3. Timing — Just because I was excited to share my data, it did not mean it was the right moment for him to hear it.
4. Mistakes are great teachers — Never miss an opportunity to gain experience from them.
5. Humor helps! I wonder why Douglas never tried to find me on LinkedIn?
I learned it in Queens! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Here’s a few resources for your reference
https://www.cultureamp.com/blog/how-to-give-effective-feedback
https://hbr.org/2022/06/the-right-way-to-process-feedback
https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/positive-feedback-examples