I used to play hide and seek when I was a little girl. I loved playing this game, but as the youngest kid in my group, I was usually discovered pretty quickly—often with a sneeze or a giggle giving me away.
The phrase “hide and seek” took on a new meaning as I got older. I found myself hiding the anxiety and sadness I experienced at school and at home behind a smile and my role as a “good girl” and hard working student. I was taught to “not tell anyone our business,” so reaching out for help was not an option. I felt different and out of place from everyone and was on guard all the time.
This was not an easy way to live. However, I did develop skills that would help me throughout my life. I was a voracious reader and cultivated a deep interest in autobiographies because I wanted to understand how historical figures overcame adversity. I was also strengthened my listening skills became highly attuned to others when they were struggling emotionally.
When I began co-hosting the LEADERSHIP STORYTALKS Podcast with Jerome Deroy, CEO of Narativ, decades later, I was able to put these skills and interests to use. I had the opportunity to meet authors and thought leaders from around the world and engage in meaningful conversations. Each podcast taught me important lessons about the power of listening and human connection. However, one interview stands apart from the rest. Our conversation with leadership coach and former CIA officer Kenny Leatherman. explored the concept of “living under cover”—and what it takes to drop it.
Kenny shared the cost of living a double life on many fronts. He talked about how his years in service working in extreme environments sharpened his understanding of focus, trust, and leadership. But it was his personal journey—coming out to his wife, his organization, and ultimately himself—that revealed the deeper cost of inauthenticity.
During our conversation, Kenny shared a powerful story about coming out to a senior leader late in his career and how that leader’s unexpected response changed his path. He spoke about the internal cost of misalignment between identity, values, and behavior, and how the fear of being “found out” is a lesson for leaders everywhere.
This conversation moved beyond storytelling into something more fundamental: the courage to be seen and the transformational power of dropping the covers that hold us back. Kenny’s willingness to be vulnerable and share his compelling story deeply moved me. I felt called to to explore the mental and physical cost of hiding secrets..
Here are a few articles that benefit you or others in your life:
- “The Cost of Keeping Secrets” (2025, Psychology Today)
Read article
Key insight: The biggest burden isn’t actively hiding—it’s thinking about the secret when your mind wanders.- Secrets intrude into thoughts even when you’re alone
- This “mental revisiting” is linked to stress and reduced well-being
- “The Cost of Keeping It Hidden” (Journal of Experimental Psychology)
View paper
Key insight: Concealing information causes measurable depletion of mental and physical resources.- Reduced intellectual performance and executive function
- Lower physical stamina
- Impaired self-control
Feeling off? Your secrets could be making you stressed
“Keeping secrets” are linked to:
- Feeling inauthentic or isolated
- Stress, anxiety, and shame
- Lower relationship satisfaction
- Potential physical health problems, especially when secrets involve identity or ongoing stressors
The biggest mechanism at play appears to be spontaneous mind-wandering, which leads to negative emotional cycles. The bottom line: the cost of hiding secrets is real and multi-layered:
- Psychological: stress, anxiety, rumination
- Cognitive: reduced focus and self-control
- Physical: fatigue and possible health effects
- Social: isolation and weaker relationships
The strongest predictor of harm isn’t just having a secret—it’s how much it occupies your mind and whether you feel alone with it.