“I thought that you understood what I needed and why.” “I thought that we were on the same page.” “I thought that things were going to get better (or as I say it, ‘bettah’).”
Have you ever found yourself thinking these words, only to discover that your experience with the person (or people) was completely different from what you had envisioned? What you’re experiencing is a bad case of “assumptions.” This is a common issue in our communication with others. We often assume that the other person attaches the same meaning and value to our words. When things don’t go as planned, we blame and get angry at the other party. But complaining won’t help; rethinking our assumptions and recalibrating our actions will.
Our Brain at Work: A Scientific Explanation
What happens in our brains when we communicate?
Here’s the crux: When we communicate, we assume that we are actually engaging the part of the other person’s brain that we need and want—the listening part. We expect the other person to look up from his or her device and pay attention to what we are saying. Our brains think their brains will remember this interchange and even care!
But this communication assumption is like the street hustlers you encounter in New York neighborhoods. Those guys sell handbags, watches, and phone accessories, trying to convince you that their goods are the real deal and that you’re getting a bargain. Most of the time, they’re not.
Our assumptions can be troublemakers. Our successful-communication assumptions try to sell us a bunch of things that aren’t real.
Why Do We Make Assumptions?
Why are we prone to taking things for granted or believing something is true without proof?
People make assumptions to simplify the world around them and save time. However, these assumptions can be based on incomplete information, fear, or ignorance, leading to incorrect conclusions.
Reasons We Make Assumptions:
- Mental Efficiency The brain is designed to find patterns to operate more efficiently.
- Learned Behavior Assumptions can stem from what we’ve been taught by our families and culture, such as the belief that “everything will work out like it always does.”
- Past Experiences We often use our past experiences to fill in the blanks when we lack complete information.
- Emotions Our emotions, beliefs, expectations, and wishes can influence our assumptions.
- Desire to Save Time We may make assumptions to save time, but this can lead to unnecessary stress.
How Can Assumptions Be Harmful?
- Assumptions can lead to incorrect conclusions.
- They can create a distorted version of reality.
- They can result in unnecessary stress and conflict.
- Assumptions can cause cognitive distortions, like fortune-telling, which can contribute to depression and anxiety.
- They can lead to poor decisions with long-term negative effects.
What Can We Do to Challenge Our Assumptions?
- Don’t engage in lazy thinking.
- Question the source(s) of your assumptions.
- Challenge your assumptions.
- Identify other sources of information.
- Include diverse voices and perspectives.
- Be open to a mindset shift.
- Be prepared to be wrong.
- Use what you learn and take action.
Read More About Assumptions here:
When We Make Assumptions – Scott Savage
Assumptions – Why They Are Wrecking Your Mood and How To Stop Making Them – Harley Therapy™ Blog
The REAL Truth About Assumptions: 7 Reasons to Avoid Making Them Starting Today | LinkedIn
Assumptions – Do They Drive Your Actions? — The Nora Project
Are You Guilty of Making Too Many Assumptions? | Psychology Today
Assumptions