Have you encountered a situation that does not align with your values? You do not like the way someone is treating you or someone you know. And at a certain point in time, you realize that you must use your voice and voice start saying “no.”
Now saying no is not always easy and like any other skill it requires practice Saying no is like a muscle – if it remains inert too long, our ability to use it becomes diminished. So, saying “no” is an important exercise and should not be avoided because it is challenging.
As I thought about the act of saying “no,” I reflected on the people who I have witnessed using this skill to pronounced effect. While various mothers, leaders and colleague came to mind – one group stood out in my mind. This group was legendary in their ability to not only use the word “no” but to model where it brings the most value.
Here are my muses for this moment in time – my grade school nuns. They were the champions of the word “no!” Allow me to bring you back to my old stomping ground in Queens, New York so I can share what I learned about effective communication and people management from this illustrious group of women.
Their timeless “Nun Sense Communication Playbook” included these key elements:
- Mission – Educate kids and build resilience. They understood what we were up against.
- Framework – Their rules and standards were clear “We are in charge” and they were happy to share their philosophy with anyone who questioned them (including parents).
- Stage Presence -They “owned their space” and did not have any problem directing their students. We were provided with numerous opportunities to understand what constitutes civil behavior looked like.
- Poise – Nuns did not have to raise their voice to get your attention. They merely had to fix you with their gaze as they summoned you to step into their “inner circle of accountability.”
- Defined roles –They made sure that students understood their role and place. Respect for and caring for other’s needs was not up for debate. It was a given.
- Performance Management – They under the power of a clear performance expectations and set the bar high. They did not welcome excuses or attention, getting antics.
- Critical Thinking Exercises-The nuns would question student’s poor decisions. Mind you, they were not actually interested in what the students had to say. Their goal was to have the students hear how they sounded to others as they attempted to explain their inane logic. They were better than any courtroom lawyer. They also loathed lying.
- Delivery standards -They did not abide by mumbled response or slick, glib reasoning or lies. Oh no! They expected instant accountability and a clear indication that we understood how our actions impacted others and did not align with the person we were supposed to become.
- Clear goals – Instant “behavior do-overs” * was a regular practice.
- Learning Management System Techniques – Should their expected outcomes be a bit fuzzy after one of their “conversations,” they were truly clear by the time the student(s) finished writing “I will listen in class” one hundred times on a blackboard. Ah yes, listening and no talking were two favorite prompts.
- Branded tag lines – They employed tried and true behavior prompts like
- “Do onto others, as you would others to treat you. “
- “A person is judged by the company they keep.”
- “If everyone decided to jump off the 59th Street Bridge, are you going to follow them?”
- Choices – We had freedom of choice of course regarding how we were going to adapt to their guidance. Ignoring a nun’s guidance was technically an option but only if you did not have half a clue.
- And most important of all – a timeless core message – Service to others.
Nuns were the original “Servant Leaders” and believed in being in service to others for the greater good. They ran our school and other institutions on a dime and understood that remarkable things happen when we put self-interests aside and work together for the common good. Their consistent techniques ensured that that we would have an opportunity to become better versions of ourselves and attend high school and college. They understood why they were using the “power of no.” They were standing up for good.
Here’s to me and you, putting these “trained by the nun’s concepts” to use and use the power of “no” Let’s challenge ourselves in our greater community to step forward and be the bettah (better) version of our selves today. Here’s to me and you, putting these “trained by the nun’s concepts” to use and use the power of “no” Let’s challenge ourselves in our greater community to step forward and be the bettah (better) version of our selves today.
Resources
https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-say-no/
https://medium.com/onebigthought/how-to-say-no-9e4c9483e1ba
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7332800/
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Assert-Yourself/Assert-Yourself—06—How-to-Say-No-Assertively.pdf
PS: To my fellow readers who went to had nuns in Catholic Schools in the 60’s and 70’s. Yes, I know that every school had a handful of nuns who had their own challenges and who employed negative and damaging student management and teaching techniques. But today, I am focusing on the kick ass nuns who devoted their lives to others and who made a difference.